Okay, so this has been in my drafts for way too long.
I wrote a letter to God when I was 13 or 14 years old and in boarding school. I cannot quite remember the details of the letter. Anyways, I threw it to the skies; with the hope that it would somehow get to Heaven. I kid you not, this happened. It really happened. Of course the folded piece of paper did not rise above the roof of my hostel. Somehow, I was sad even though I knew the it was not going to get to heaven. Still, I hoped.
Depression is a desperate feeling. I do not remember what was bothering me, but I know it was mind-shattering; at least to me it was. Why on earth would a seemingly sane person write a letter to God and throw it to the Heavens? I wish I kept that letter. Depression makes you forget every positive thing you’ve ever done or said. It temporarily obliterates all atoms of happiness in you. It is almost addictive, more so than happiness.
You would rather be happy, but wallowing in your burden or nothingness seems more realistic, more convenient, and less deceitful; it seems more ‘you’. I have struggled with depression for most of my life. It may be obvious but it is probably not. It is not ‘African’ or ‘Christian’ to be depressed, so we hide under the guise of “black people do not commit suicide” and “a Christian cannot be depressed”. Until someone very dear to my heart started taking medication for depression and a possible bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, I thought it was an ‘Oyinbo’ thing. I can say without a shred of doubt that knowing Jesus has helped me in my battle; a battle that I have never really spoken about until now.
The weird thing is that I am one of the most easygoing and most positive people I know. I probably come off as a ‘not a worry in the world’ kind of person, except of course you have read a ton of my writings. Life is a pot of beans. This is not necessarily a post about the solutions to insecurity or depression. This is a PSA. Hello everyone, I’m depressed. But I am fine. I enjoy life a lot of the time, I laugh at everything. I know how to fight this battle, most of the time.I love people and I love that Jesus loves me.
But if I could recommend an alleviation to depression, it would be this: Admit that you are prone to being depressed. Work your way from there, whatever works. Not illegal drugs or alcohol, as they create an illusion-filled happiness. Please if you are reading this and you are struggling, seek help. You can send me an email (tomilade@live.com). Discuss with a counsellor, a doctor, a friend, a trustworthy stranger, etc. Mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of. Do not let the fear of “you have nothing to be sad about, some people would kill to be you” stop you from seeking help. Please! you are loved.
Keep discovering yourself. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “stay classy”
In the Loving Memory of Robin Williams. He gave so much laughter and yet……
Ps, An outwardly gentle person may be raging inside. An outwardly happy person may be frowning inside.
♠ Tomi.O
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